Today, me and my partner decided to end our short-term relationship. Feelings of discontentment were beginning to surface, and the weight of my world was becoming to much to bare; I progressively started to devalue my worth and second guess my intuition. Nights I would previously use meditating or doodling in my notebook, was spent staring into the mirror and picking apart my flaws; desperately attempting to shed light upon my feelings of inadequacy. I have a tendency to doubt my own ability; I have been in many prior relationships which have unintentionally discouraged me from truly expressing myself and in some cases, made me feel voiceless. This relationship however, was not due to my partners lack of affection or attention; he is the perfect example of a real gentleman. This was purely based upon confronting my own emotions.
The first stage was denial, carrying the woes of my previous relationship, into my present one, I was not yet ready to face the sorrow of isolation and confront my inner-demons. The negligence of my inner-voice was beginning to have an impact on my self-perception. I would continuously contradict and guilt-trip myself, into rationalizing the feelings of jealousy, boredom and anxiety. Being introvert, I felt great humility talking about this to others; Fearing that my fickle nature and inconsistent emotional out bursts would be misunderstood and overlooked, by others whom were simply listening out of tolerance, not empathy. However, once I had the opportunity to find peace of mind, I no longer felt disconnected from my spirit. Although these feelings may have been exaggerated or wrongly directed. You are never wrong for how you feel.
The second stage was avoidance, although I had acknowledged these unhealthy traits, I paid them no consideration, in hope that they they would eventually go away, and the honeymoon feeling would return. I continued to meditate, and doodle in my notebook, grasping whatever type of escapism was at hand. Over a period of time, my introverted methods of relaxation had become a chore; the hobbies I affiliated with peace, had now become unbearable, as a result of my inner-frustrations. I felt exposed to the world, as though my shell had been cracked. There was nowhere to hide. At this point, an introvert must find the inner strength, to decide whether having a partner, is worth sacrificing the person we know best, ourselves. I understand that for many of us, it is harder to let go once we have found someone willing to accept the flaws we do not often commute, take the extra time to break down the guards, we do not often level and respect our time of solitude, many extroverts may not fully understand.
The third stage was acceptance. In the wise words of Paulo Cohelo “When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive." That person was me.
To those of you, who also have an introverted nature, you may find, falling in love is far more difficult to do, as we tend to guard our emotions in a shell of self-protection. If we are fortunate enough to find a soul mate, we rather, welcome this individual into our place of seldom; We will never abandon our shell. Furthermore, if you feel the need to abandon your partner. Use this as an opportunity to re-discover yourself. The beauty of the introvert mind, allows us to create a far more intimate and harmonious relationship with ourselves, then any other personality type. You should never have to compromise the person you are, for the person people expect you to be. Embrace your in-dependency and know you are a child of the world. Now, as I am beginning accept my presence is a gift of existence, I am more wise as to whom I share it with.
I have been granted permission by a very talented visual artist (@KB BISHARA) to use his short movie 'Addiction'. The movie is about letting go, but what's in-between is all open for interpretation. I used film this as an opportunity to mirror my own sufferings.
The first stage was denial, carrying the woes of my previous relationship, into my present one, I was not yet ready to face the sorrow of isolation and confront my inner-demons. The negligence of my inner-voice was beginning to have an impact on my self-perception. I would continuously contradict and guilt-trip myself, into rationalizing the feelings of jealousy, boredom and anxiety. Being introvert, I felt great humility talking about this to others; Fearing that my fickle nature and inconsistent emotional out bursts would be misunderstood and overlooked, by others whom were simply listening out of tolerance, not empathy. However, once I had the opportunity to find peace of mind, I no longer felt disconnected from my spirit. Although these feelings may have been exaggerated or wrongly directed. You are never wrong for how you feel.
The second stage was avoidance, although I had acknowledged these unhealthy traits, I paid them no consideration, in hope that they they would eventually go away, and the honeymoon feeling would return. I continued to meditate, and doodle in my notebook, grasping whatever type of escapism was at hand. Over a period of time, my introverted methods of relaxation had become a chore; the hobbies I affiliated with peace, had now become unbearable, as a result of my inner-frustrations. I felt exposed to the world, as though my shell had been cracked. There was nowhere to hide. At this point, an introvert must find the inner strength, to decide whether having a partner, is worth sacrificing the person we know best, ourselves. I understand that for many of us, it is harder to let go once we have found someone willing to accept the flaws we do not often commute, take the extra time to break down the guards, we do not often level and respect our time of solitude, many extroverts may not fully understand.
The third stage was acceptance. In the wise words of Paulo Cohelo “When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive." That person was me.
To those of you, who also have an introverted nature, you may find, falling in love is far more difficult to do, as we tend to guard our emotions in a shell of self-protection. If we are fortunate enough to find a soul mate, we rather, welcome this individual into our place of seldom; We will never abandon our shell. Furthermore, if you feel the need to abandon your partner. Use this as an opportunity to re-discover yourself. The beauty of the introvert mind, allows us to create a far more intimate and harmonious relationship with ourselves, then any other personality type. You should never have to compromise the person you are, for the person people expect you to be. Embrace your in-dependency and know you are a child of the world. Now, as I am beginning accept my presence is a gift of existence, I am more wise as to whom I share it with.
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